|i woke up with your beautiful name and body curling up next to me. your room soaked in a clear, late-morning light, dull music still ticking quietly. the same birds singing that had started when we drifted asleep. i touch your cool hair and velvety back. do you even understand why i call you angel, nani? driving me back in the warm air and i can feel our time is almost through. "so why don't you move here?" and you know i'm just dumb enough to. "when will i see you again? i hope soon..." but i know i don't really need to, because once is enough to bond me to you, but you know i'd love to see you, nani. i attach too easily and it just leaves me empty.|
|goodbye salt lake. my late afternoon flight. i'll take these wings, because i don't have my own. but if i did, they'd be even more weathered than these. and i couldn't get home. no, i wouldn't go home. from way up here i'm unknowingly looking at you. and i wonder if we're similar enough that you feel it. up here it's just empty space and the cold thin air. and i wonder if there's really that much more for me down there. aileron, my enemy. just this once let my plane not go down. for as many times as i've begged you to fail this time i've gotta get back alive to live and hear her voice again. God keep us safe. or turn us around and crash in the lake where i woke up today feeling so great.|
|i can't tell you how good it was to see your face again, smiling like a sweet, worried little fox. i don't know how i could make you understand this fixed crush i've had is not ordinary. but it feels healthy(?) and it takes a lot for me... it takes a lot from me... it still gives alot to me... and i don't even know what to expect from it now. your lips like a cat i wish i could pet again. the funk in your eyes and the deep way you speak. the clothes i remember from only twelve days i wish i could wrap my arms around. this like you i rarely find. and all that it takes for me is to see your face or listen to you speak. i only wish you had understood me, because i don't spend my time on just anyone.
|You Stutter When You Sleep|
|it's been so long since i've had anyone sleeping next to me. it's better than anything just to fall asleep. i kept myself up to watch your thoughts drifting next to me. sometimes this single and only event is where i want to be. safe in my room, in my blue, blue room. angel sleeps there breathing through her sleep. sometimes i live for that half-concious waking up to see that there's someone next to me. and that's where i'd like to be. i'd love to hear you breathe. things that don't last get glorified. and i still don't know what the hell just happened. but a minute awake in the morning light and i heard your little lungs stutter the sleepy air you breathe, and that's enough to make me know that's where i'd like to be. i'd love to hear you breathe. it's probably something i don't really need, but that's where i'd like to be.|
|years later, out of nowhere. a box i forgot i still had. pale, near-virgin paper barely creased or ever read. the scent of your lipstick still preserved where you kissed it. the few only words you ever wrote me. "i'm glad we met." "i hope we can make each other happy." "we're a step ahead." ...we're a step ahead... i've heard that one before|
|i guess my time had come. time that finally i'd walk in on... i guess my luck had run. finally all run out, so i'll walk in on... i just want my friends right now. i just want my friends to help me out of this hopeless feeling i'm in, to forget what i saw. panic in my chest. clench around my stomach. funny when your heart starts beating faster (in a bad way.) God, how do i cat? they haven't seen me yet. turn, you stupid weakling. walk away and everything will be okay. i just want my friends right now. i just want my friends to talk me out of the stupid things i might do if i go on like this. i should knock you both out right now. God knows i'd like to. so that's what you look like when you're being kissed... i never would have know - my eyes were always closed. my eyes. always closed. last time i trust anyone. last time i trust you.|
|when i see you smile the corners of your mouth quiver like you're trying to hold it. and there's a tiny bit of sadness i think i see in you beneath those heavy, solid, deep, infinite eyes. i only hope you see me the same way i see you. so keep holding me in that gaze.
|it's too hard to learn again how to act or be with someone new. in the time we spent if you only knew the mess spinning in my head you'd see what makes me so weak and scared. you'd see why i cant even try anymore. it's no use explaining this to you now. it's no use explaining this to you now.|
|I Give Up. Goodbye.|
|let's end this on a better note, and pretend i hadn't lost all hope. then maybe a few of you will understand what i meant when i told you i'm too wounded at this point; i'm just too difficult. i can never be any good for you. so, goodbye. goodbye. i'll not think of you all for a while. i just seems pointless now to even try. i've filled myself with too many things that i thought i could use to fill the holes inside i've made. but there is nothing. everything's empty. this world has nothing. this world is nothing. and every ounce i drink a small part of me dissolves 'til there's nothing left to hold the rest together. and everyone i touch strips away at the thing in me that tells me life and love are rare and precious. and i'm nearly all gone. so God restart me. this world has nothing. this world is nothing. so, goodbye.|